a new year’s lesson about marriage

New Year’s Morning. Caleb and I are walking back to our hotel from Patisserie Claude, in the West Village.  I am tired, not from too much champagne but from being awakened by the rantings of a very drunk, very angry woman in the hotel room next to ours.  Apparently her boyfriend is Satan and now we and everyone else on our floor know it.

Anyway.  We’re on the corner of Sixth Avenue when Caleb offers me these valuable insights on baby-making and marriage.

Caleb: I know why Uncle can’t get married. He doesn’t have any sperm.

Me, jolted out of late-night stupor: Wha?

Caleb: Daddy said, it had to do with a sperm bank and stuff.

Me: Wha?

Caleb: Daddy said that Uncle put the sperm in a sperm bank and then N’s mom got some because she couldn’t have a baby and she wanted one, and that’s how she got N.

Me: And so what does that have to do with getting married?

Caleb: Well Uncle’s sperm is all in the bank so he doesn’t have any left.

Me: And you need sperm to get married?

Caleb, patiently: Well YEAH, of course!  But he doesn’t have any left, so he can’t get married.


So there you go. This whole time I’d been thinking my bro was single because finding someone interested in settling down, in Hollywood, is sort of like expecting that Russell Brand & Katy Perry were going to last–when in fact, it’s just a sperm thing.  Glad we could clear that up for you.


Caleb and I are linked up to lovelinks…you should go there too and read around. Then come back on Thursday and vote for three of your favorites. Probably not as much fun as sperm donation, but hey, you can do lovelinks in your office during lunch!





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33 Responses to a new year’s lesson about marriage

  1. Stasha says:

    Caleb has it all figured out. NY really brings out the best in you guys!

  2. Ann says:

    I wonder what other sperm-requisites are out there…

  3. Lady Jennie says:

    Your poor, poor brother, having given up all of his sperm without knowing it would ruin his chances of marriage forever!

  4. Marinka says:

    I wonder what kind of return he’s getting at his bank?

  5. Eric Storch says:

    I wonder if my 38 year old brother has done the same thing. I’m sure Mom will accept any excuse at this point.

    • Deborah Quinn says:

      my mom, to her credit, is just thrilled that she has a grandson & that my bro has a kid. I think she prefers not to think about the actual process … but then again, who among us likes to think about the sex habits of our relatives? : )

  6. This is hilarious! Perhaps Uncle could take out a sperm advance, much like a cash advance?

    • Deborah Quinn says:

      Sperm advance…hmm…is there a joke here to be made about premature withdrawal? Not that I would make that joke, but just wondering…

  7. Trish says:

    I was wondering about that! I’m so glad Caleb cleared it up. I think I’ll send you a list of other things I am curious about; he can sort those out for me, too. 😀 This is adorable. And strangely, the premise isn’t really that far wrong, is it? Ah…children.

    • Deborah Quinn says:

      Caleb is more than willing to offer pronouncements about pretty much anything and everything, regardless of what he actually knows. I’m thinking of setting him up in a little information booth so he can earn a little extra cash!

  8. Jackie says:

    How perceptive is your little guy? Taking what he knows – of banks & sperm and making such a deduction.
    I’d be eager to hear what your brother has to say about this.

    • Deborah Quinn says:

      My brother thought it was hysterical, actually. He was a little less amused when I told him that HE would get to explain to Caleb the further details of these transactions…: )

  9. Ado says:

    I wonder if he can look the teller in the eye when he makes his deposits? Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. This was so funny!!

  10. Kimberly says:

    Maybe your brother made a deal with the devil next door? No wait, that was Robert Johnson. . . Very entertaining post. It’s funny to hear kids surmise about what is unknown to them–they are fearless (I never share mine for fear of being laughed at). Thank you to you and Caleb for sharing your story. Happy 2012!

    • Deborah Quinn says:

      Caleb felt very proud that he’d figured it all out, actually. Although of course, I’m not sure he knows what “sperm” is…an THAT is a conversation for another day.

  11. Tomekha says:

    LOL – it was that simple… the innocence of childhood

    • Deborah Quinn says:

      totally innocent and yet filled with pride that he’d figured out why his uncle wasn’t married. I suppose at some point I should figure out WHY my son thinks everyone should be married…a post for another day, I guess!

  12. Ha! This is very, VERY similar to my 4yo cousin’s recent confusion about whether my sister and I were married to each other…


    You never know what those little pitchers will pick up, or how they’ll pour it back out.

    • Deborah Quinn says:

      It’s like a constant game of “telephone” with kids, isn’t it? You put something out there, it gets filtered around, and voila! out comes something utterly unrelated to what you said! Too funny.

  13. Oh my gosh, hilarious! You just never know how things work until enlightened by a child. Yes, finding a mate in Hollywood is like Albert Einsteins’ quote about doings things over and over and expecting a different result, but let’s be honest Caleb’s version is WAAAY better:) Thanks for sharing! Can’t wait to hear how babies are made:)

  14. Jenny Leigh says:

    Ha! Out of the mouths of babes…

  15. XLMIC says:

    I actually think you can do both in your office on your lunch break 😉

  16. Ali says:

    ha ha! Kids say the funniest things eh?! Super smart. xx

  17. That’s awesome! I love the stuff kids come up with. My son pulls wild numbers out of the air. Last night it was how many piggy banks he needs. His answer was 508. LOL

  18. Love it! I know as adults we think we know better, but your little Caleb may be on to something. :)

  19. Jamie says:

    Oh the mouths of babes! Such mirrors they play for us don’t they?!

  20. KSB says:

    Hilarious! I can guess what your brother’s response was, but I’m much more curious about how Caleb’s big brother responded? Did Liam accept Caleb’s theory? Or what hilarious insights did he add? 😉

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