vaginas

so. vaginas.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “oh good lord, here comes a post about the idiot in Michigan …”

But this post is not that post. You can write that post in your head: just say “vaginavaginavaginavaginavagina” and then make a donation to Planned Parenthood or your friendly local women’s health clinic (although of course “local,” at this point, might mean anywhere in a three hundred mile radius) or to the Michigan legislator who thought it would be all right to talk like an adult in the company of other adults. Silly woman. She should have just talked about “her lady bits” and then everything would be fine.

No. I’m not writing that post. But I am thinking a lot about vaginas. Which is actually unusual for me, because although I own a vagina, I don’t really think about it that much.

I’m thinking about all the ways in which vaginas have been in the news lately – and that the impetuses (impetusii?) of these news stories are seldom, themselves, the owners of a hoochie.

The battle over Planned Parenthood funding? Started by non-vagina owning persons.

The constant fight to erode (or erase) access to safe, professional abortions? Championed by vagina-less people.

The endless iterations of mommy wars, which look on the surface to be all about vaginas? Fostered and publicized by vaginas absentas.

What is it about “down there” that causes vagina-less folk to want to police it, regulate it, tell it how to behave (and how not to)?

Is it that you can’t really see a vagina? Is it that most of it is all, you know, mysterious and tucked in, and thus needs constant vigilance lest it – what – run away? Have vagina owners, unbeknownst to me, been clamoring for help at the local sheriff’s office: “help! help! my vagina ran away and I can’t find it anywhere! she’s off somewhere, gambling away the rent money!”

I mean, is that what we’re dealing with?  Vagina-less people are so concerned about what an untrammeled vagina might do that they want to put up a veritable thicket of laws and policies to prevent vaginas from vagina-ing all about the town? Is the idea to create a sort of legislative chastity belt for vaginas?

What’s the worst thing that could happen, do you think, if vaginas were left alone, to sort of vagina around in their natural habitat? Would they breed wildly, out of control, like what happened when people stopped shooting deer in New Jersey and now you can’t even grow a goddamn tomato in the backyard without all the deer for forty miles doing the tomato happy dance and bam there go your hopes for a nice little red sauce?

Is that it? Are the vagina-less attempting to erect these pieces of vagina-repellent legislation to keep herds of vaginas away from the tomato gardens of privilege and power?

What would happen if all the vaginas got together? Would they have a vaginabellion? Are we talking hoochie biker gangs rampaging through the halls of power, terrorizing the non-vagina’ed?

Think about it. Have we ever seen what a vagina can do when she puts her mind to it? I’m thinking that after about Elizabeth I, the answer is pretty much…no. And of course Liz I kept her vagina firmly on the throne by claiming that her hoochie was virgin territory, which is not a game that the hoochies I know are willing to play.

Word on the street these days is that vaginas are getting really irritated by all this scratchy legislative underwear. And an aggravated hoochie makes Liz I look like June Cleaver.

If I were vagina-less, I’d be spending less time thinking about how to legislate that which I don’t have and start paying attention to what I do have, so that when the vaginalution comes, I don’t lose it all.

File:Elizabeth I (Armada Portrait).jpg

 image source

 

 

i’m linking up with all the people at yeah write – some vagina’d, some not – and you should probably go over there and visit. you never can tell what will happen on the grid: you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll maybe even get to look at some cartoons. click over to the challenge grid, and then the hangout grid, and then come back to the challenge grid and vote for your five faves.

 
read to be read at yeahwrite.me

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46 Responses to vaginas

  1. Arnebya June 26, 2012 at 12:06 am #

    Vaginalution. I done died laughing. Ever since Lisa Brown was silenced, I’ve been answering my husband’s inane questions at home like this: “Have you seen the yellow screwdriver?” “Vagina what?” “Did my mother call?” “Vagina who?” “Where’s the damn plunger before this toilet water spills onto the rug?” “Inside my va…” I could barely get it out; that one was clearly only funny to me. Seriously, all this talk about lady gardens makes me fearful for where we’ll be when my daughters’ vaginas are as old and used (ha!) as mine.

    • Deborah Quinn June 26, 2012 at 7:22 am #

      Omigod that’s hysterical. Which is to say hymenisterical. The plunger is particularly funny/not funny. The future confronting our daughter’s vaginas is indeed gloomy (and I don’t even have a daughter) – I remember waaaaay back in college, when I went on all my protest marches and pro-choice rallies, thinking “YEAH! THIS IS IT!” Seems we haven’t come such a long way, baby… sigh

  2. Alexandra June 26, 2012 at 8:50 am #

    2012 and vaginagate all over the internet. Twitter went nuts with that word.

    Felt like doing a PSA saying ” if the word vagina scares you, stay away from the internetz today.”

    xo

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:24 am #

      see the comment below, in which Carrie says something is “vaginalicious.” She should send that word to Beyonce and collect a copywrite fee!

  3. Lady Jennie June 26, 2012 at 10:46 am #

    This was really funny girl.

  4. Christie Tate June 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm #

    Oh thank you for saying something new about vaginas. I am sick of hearing about vagina absentias talk about vaginas. It’s repulsive. Very good post. You got my vote.

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:23 am #

      i think sometimes you *can* talk about something if you don’t have it (money, for instance, or political freedom, or skinny thighs) but in this particular instance…nope. I’m not going to tell someone what he should do in terms of circumcision, or prostates, or any of those really fun intimate bits. so ditto on the hoochie, dudes, BACK OFF.

  5. Carrie June 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

    AHAHAHAH. Awesome. I love you Vaginalicious post! And I agree, those people who have no vagina need to stop protesting its every vagina move!

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:21 am #

      vaginalicious!!! perfect! wish I’d thought of that!

  6. Travis June 26, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    I have been scared of the vagina for a number of years. I can honestly say that I think if I owned one, I’d just be more scared. That being said, I do happen to love them, particularly my wife’s.

  7. Aidan Donnelley Rowley June 26, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    This is incredible. Love it.

  8. Kenja Purkey June 26, 2012 at 8:41 pm #

    So funny! New word of the day: Vaginabellion. I will try to use it in a sentence.

    In other news, my 20 year old texted me just this morning to tell me she was “getting her vagina done.” There was a lengthy pause in our texts as I contemplated all the various things her text could mean. I finally gave up and just asked.

    Turns out in twenty-speak that means hair lasering. No more bikini line shave bumps. But I wouldn’t be surprised if her lady bits rose up in a vaginabellion at the thought of a hot laser near them.

    See there, I used it in a sentence!

    Great post! I thoroughly enjoyed it. The mental picture of a herd of grazing vaginas looking for a tomato garden will keep me laughing all day.

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:20 am #

      Vaginas? LASERS? mmm-nnnoooo! that’s why god invented the boy-short bikini bottoms, so the lady parts can stay just as they want to be, without any interventions. but I bet that texting stream is pretty damn funny.

  9. IASoupMama June 26, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

    I’m raising vaginas on my farm. Three of them. And when they grow up, their vaginas will have teeth to defend themselves. Because my daughters can do any-damn-thing they want with their vaginas.

    Men… Once they come out a vagina, they just can’t wait to get back in one…

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:19 am #

      HA! yay for raising vaginas. as it were. it does seem that all these men-folk who are sooooo concerned about the whys & wherefores of vaginas…one wonders why they’re paying so much attention?

  10. Angie Uncovered June 26, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

    I was considering allowing my vagina to have my vote in the upcoming election but it can’t reach the levers. At 38 years old I am a little shocked that so many of my peers seem more comfortable with the slang terms for vagina than the word itself, even if it’s “vulgar”. My vagina and I put it to a vote, and we’ve decided to call it by it’s given name unless it’s in bed with a really attractive and educated PENIS!

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:18 am #

      Maybe your vagina could stand on a stool to pull the lever? I love this comment! Kudoes to you and your hoochie!

  11. Melisa @ just begin from here. June 26, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

    I love that you wrote about vaginas. I have a horrible habit of reading ahead (no matter what I’m reading – in fact, I read the last sentence on the last page when I start a new book). Anyway, I digress. I was reading all about vaginas and then I saw “little red sauce” and I thought you were describing a vagina’s time of the month and I was thinking I had never heard it described that way before, but what the hell, read on, I’ve gotten this far already. Then I realized I was totally off base and you were talking about tomatoes.

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:17 am #

      tomatoes. yes. but until just now I didn’t link “little red sauce” with the monthlies…HA. Funny. and a little bit gross, frankly. You read the last sentence of a book before you start? how do you then go ahead and read the whole thing? interesting…

      • Melisa @ just begin from here. June 27, 2012 at 9:28 am #

        Sorry, I agree that was a little gross. It was like a train-wreck thought and I couldn’t stop it. Kind of like the vagina. At least in the eyes of legislators. The last sentence of a book thing is just one small part of my special brand of crazy! Ah, neuroses.

  12. Mayor Gia June 27, 2012 at 2:50 am #

    Hahahaha I love this post. It’s always terribly ironic where you see a pr photo from some kind of women’s issue and its a bunch of old white men shaking hands with one another. Maybe vagina-people should start worrying about the penis?

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:15 am #

      Mandatory prostate exams? on a MONTHLY basis? just a thought…

  13. Jacqueline Bryant Campbell June 27, 2012 at 2:57 am #

    Vaginus absentus. I think that’s where I lost it. My 12-year-old daughter became alarmed at the strangulated laughter and came to check on me. I debated and debated, then decided to let her read your post, since she is the owner of a vagina herself, and attends an all-vagina school where things like this may come up. Beyond the humor, it did open up a conversation. Thanks for that, and for writing this post.

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:14 am #

      I’m glad you could talk to your daughter – it took me a long time to be able to have these kinds of conversations with my mom – not because she was squeamish but because *I* was. A MOM? with a VAGINA??? eeeuuuwwww…. And of course, weirdly, ironically, sadly, when I was growing up, in the early 80s, vaginas weren’t as policed as they are now.

  14. thedoseofreality June 27, 2012 at 5:10 am #

    Awesome. I love this fresh take on the subject. Well done!

  15. Moms Are People Too June 27, 2012 at 7:34 am #

    A funny post about vaginas is worth its weight in gold. Vagina gold. Not sure what that is, but it sounds disgusting. Loved your post!

    • Deborah Quinn June 27, 2012 at 9:13 am #

      thanks – vagina gold is indeed a hell of an image…hmmm….somehow I’m thinking about Rumpelstiltskin. STOP!

  16. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms June 27, 2012 at 9:56 am #

    Thank you for finally using vagina as a verb, as it deserves. Vaginaluia! Ellen (Very good points with much humor)

  17. Mel June 27, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    You wrote this well. I liked the humor and I know once my vagina gets something in her head, there’s no stopping her. 😛

  18. Shosh M June 27, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

    I can’t help but wonder what the united Arab emirates would think about you and your vagina. Although back here I’m pretty sure my husband already thinks that my vagina is gambling away our mortgage payment.
    Viva la Revolution!

    • Deborah Quinn June 28, 2012 at 7:51 am #

      Well, I’m thinking that the UAE doesn’t have much use for my hoochie, frankly, or for hoochies, generally. Which is a problem, obviously. All these abayas… robed hoochies, walking. BUT there are (small, incremental) changes happening, and in a weird way there is something to be said for clarity. Women here have nowhere to go but up, as it were, whereas in the States it seems like there are many forces coming together to push women back. It seems, sometimes, that women had more freedom & opportunity twenty years ago, when I was young (sob, sob, yes, it was that long ago), then they do now. And i don’t think it’s just my age and general decrepitude that make me feel that way. … Sux about that mortgage payment, btw. Speak sternly to the hoochie about her gambling problem.

  19. Cindy ~ The Reedster Speaks June 27, 2012 at 7:43 pm #

    YES, THIS => “Are the vagina-less attempting to erect these pieces of vagina-repellent legislation to keep herds of vaginas away from the tomato gardens of privilege and power?” This may be the vagina post to end all vagina posts.

  20. Lucas June 27, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

    I don’t think anyone has ever used the word “vagina” so many times in a post of this size. Well done! You should win an award…a Vadgie maybe?

    I enjoyed your post!

  21. Your Doctor's Wife June 27, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

    I think only vaginaticians should rule over vaginapolitics. And, we’ll leave the penisticians to rule over their dicktics.

    • Deborah Quinn June 29, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

      fantastic. i’m not even going to make any puns.

  22. tara pohlkotte June 28, 2012 at 12:10 am #

    haha. oh, that we {ahem. and by “we” i may mean “men”} could just leave be what doesn’t need to be ruled over, and get involved and passionate about people who need a voice.

    • Deborah Quinn June 29, 2012 at 1:21 pm #

      wouldn’t that be nice? giving a voice to the voiceless? what a great idea.

  23. Michelle Longo June 28, 2012 at 2:05 am #

    “vagina around” that might be the best phrase ever.

  24. Michelle June 28, 2012 at 6:51 am #

    Love it. More people should talk this way.

  25. Jay- The Dude of the House June 28, 2012 at 9:11 am #

    Was it the Mayan calendar that predicted 2012 would be the year of the vaginalution?
    Or maybe it was Sarah Silverman. I can’t remember.

    • Deborah Quinn June 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

      funny, funny, funny. I think it was the Mayans…or the Vaztecs?

  26. Stasha June 28, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    This is by far the best vagina I ever read. Ups. The best post I ever read. The end!

  27. adrienne June 28, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    Hilarious!

  28. 50Peach June 28, 2012 at 5:43 pm #

    Vaginalution. WIN.

  29. Sperk* June 28, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    It all started when Eve ruined everything. Whomever came up with that story must have had some serious “mom” issues. If only the snake would have been an awesome therapist instead of the devil…and would have spoken to Adam, of course, instead of Eve.

    Great post.

    • Deborah Quinn June 29, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

      mmmm….have you read the Philip Pullman trilogy called _his Dark Materials? They made a really bad movie from the first book, The Golden Compass, but don’t let that sway your opinion: he basically re-writes the Eden story…sort of along the lines you describe here. Let’s just say that the serpent comes out much better in Pullman’s story than in those other books…

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