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in which i pull down the blinds and hop around

First I had to shut the blinds.  No, first I had to make sure the kids were asleep, then I had to shut the blinds.  I don’t want to be responsible for sending peeping toms into cardiac arrest.

Then it was just me and…it. Alone together.

Twenty minutes later, I was sweaty and sore, and harboring very nasty feelings towards the person responsible, who smiled and told me everything was going to be okay, if I would just commit to the process.

Yes. It’s true. Tonight was my first-ever shred, a word I’ve generally only used for cabbage, carrots, and old credit card statements. Now I see that shredding is a way of life and its high priestess is Jillian Michaels, who may be the fem-bot from those horrible Svedka vodka ads, except I don’t think the Svedka fem-bot has ankle tattoos.

Yes. That was me hopping around my living room tonight trying to keep up with Jillian and the other two rock-solid bitches in spiffy workout clothes. Twenty minutes, promises Jillian. Twenty minutes, five or six times a week of my “A game” (note to self: find A-Game) and she promises I will be ripped in 30. Personally,  I would settle for just being less squishy at 47, but why quibble?

I don’t watch “The Biggest Loser,” the show that made Jillian a star-in-a-sports-bra but a few bloggers whose work I like (try Motherhood Uncensored, for starters) did the “30-day shred” and swear by it, so I figured I’d give it a try.  I took my measurements and realized that all the gut-sucking in the world can’t hide the fact that I am, basically, square. A puffy, gently quilted square.  I’ve been genetically blessed with skinny legs and ankles but lately I’m looking a lot like a potato on toothpicks and as I move into a serious relationship with the big Five-Oh, I would like to leave behind my swags of back fat.  Wouldn’t it be nice to start my next decade with a waist?

I had to face it: a few days a week of Prana Power Yoga and fifteen minutes of sit-ups while watching “The Good Wife” on TiVo are no match for my evening cookie habit.

Thus, Jillian. Thus, new sneakers: black adidas, with shiny bits, and dark pink stripes. Husband pursed his lips, looked at the sneakers, said, “well, they’re really girly. And kind of horrifyingly ghetto, too.” I like them. They remind me of good-and-plenty candies, which apparently, says Jillian, I can’t eat any more.  Bitch.

Here’s what I learned from tonight’s little celebration of Jillian love: I need a new sports bra, I need lighter free weights, I hate to run, and despite all the walking I do every day, my cardio is for shit.  I learned also that I pretty much hate exercise videos. Why is she encouraging me and saying “great job!” Doesn’t she realize she can’t see me?  Is that her version of Romper Room’s Magic Mirror?

You know what else I learned? That when I run in place my belly slops over the waistband of my shorts and jiggles.  Blech.  So yeah, Jillian, I’m coming back tomorrow. I think my A-Game might be in the back of the closet behind the winter coats. Of course, it might also be in the cupboard where I keep the cookies.

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8 Responses to in which i pull down the blinds and hop around

  1. Karianna April 1, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    Best of luck – I’m in the Ripped challenge this month too. Whew!

  2. Kathie Dapbim April 2, 2011 at 1:03 am #

    I am actually convinced Jillian can see me a lot of the time – she always seems to do those “talk to the camera, close up” bits exactly when I’ve stopped for a breather 😉
    Great to have you in on it!! Look forward to seeing our results in 30 days time!

  3. brenna April 2, 2011 at 5:48 pm #

    it’s the goddamn cookies. i think we basically cannot eat anything anymore.

  4. Ann April 3, 2011 at 9:19 pm #

    Please let us know how this goes. I’m getting desperate enough to try it. I run 5 days a week, lift weights listlessly and am still soft and mushy, which is nice for my little girls to snuggle up to but is otherwise just depressing. Good luck, Deb.

  5. Dick April 4, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    TMI! I always think of you as one hot momma, but blog by blog, you’re disabusing me of that notion.

  6. Suzie April 8, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

    This proves that women’s self images are for shit. You, my friend, are no tooth-picked potato and never will be. You are a hot mama. Straight up MILF. I’m all for exercise, so go ahead and do Jillian, just as long as she makes you happy.

  7. Poor Princess April 10, 2011 at 9:20 am #

    I went for lunch with a bunch of skinny moms and their babies the other day. I ordered an “El Gringo” burrito. The next mom in line ordered a plain multi-grain bagel–which she then proceeded to share with the 3 other moms.

    I run, I do weights, I do every cardio machine in my gym, I’ve tried the videos, I walk, and I chase my many, many kids. Also, I eat. And so, I realize, I’m destined not to be a skinny mom.

    But come on–skinny is overrated (right? right? tell me if this shred business works!).

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  1. Hot… – MaNNaHaTTaMaMMa - April 10, 2011

    […] joke in the house, including Liam’s mockery of my new sneakers, purchased in hopes of getting shredded by Jillian Michaels. Who I hate, by the way, and who I am still convinced is the Svedka […]

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